A ‘perfectly lovely’ psychopath? Thing is that few psychopaths fit the ominous Hollywood stereotype. It’s all too easy to be targeted by an arch-manipulator, whose real aim in life is to control you. Clients and friends tell me how a psychopath is exciting to be with. Attentive, lovely, kind, thoughtful, funny; a charming and interesting person who makes you feel special. Many are highly successful in business, as managers and leaders.
At least one in a hundred people is reckoned to be a psychopath, so it’s more than likely you’re related to one, living with one, or employing one. So what’s the problem? Control, that’s what. We’ll talk more about that in a minute. But first why is ‘control’ and ‘coercion’ grabbing headlines right now? Ireland enacted a new law on January 2, 2019, making coercive control in intimate relationships a criminal offence. Physical abuse doesn’t always follow although there is a high risk.
How to Spot a Psychopath Early
What are the tell-tale signs and traits of an average psychopath to look out for?
Classic signs, according to the Hare Psychopathy checklist, range from:
- high sex drive,
- easily bored,
- restless,
- ocd cleanliness,
- chronic liar,
- shallow personality,
- lack of responsibility, manipulative,
- grandiose sense of self,
- lack of realistic long-term goals,
- serial short-term relationships,
- and impulsivity
- to charm …by the bucketload.
Here’s how clients of mine describe the way this actually translates into real life. We’re usually working on relieving anxiety, depression, PTSD and restoring confidence after they’ve managed to leave their abuser, often after a decade or more. Their advice? If you recognise three or more of these in your partner, get ready to walk away now, before you’re walked on:
Love bombing
Prince Charming has nothing on this guy’s ability to sweep you right off your feet.
As a best friend first, he’ll be your soulmate in no time. Amazingly you find he has exactly the same likes, and the same pet hates as you! This is how he ‘mirrors’ you, sharing the same sense of humour he makes you laugh, flatters you, shares your every dream and goal. Talking your language quickly builds intimacy and removes any of your normal due diligence wariness. He’ll spin his charm web on your family, friends and colleagues in no time. They’ll love him, often beyond the bitter end.
You’ll feel like a princess, the most beautiful woman in the world, the only one who matters – you’re finally understood, central to his life, special, loved, safe and secure.
This ‘grooming’ behaviour sets you on a pedestal, where you’ll feel in control, at first!
Right now you feel like the most important person in his world, bringing him the true love he’s never had. Previous girlfriends are just mad paranoid bitches who broke his heart. What does he say about other women in his sphere? Anyone who gets in his way stands up to him or tries to protect you will be dissed, offsided or even ousted from a job if he’s in charge.
He listens, and remembers what you said, what you like, as you reveal your fears and insecurities, these are filed away for future use against you. It’s a kind of magic. Like a fish that’s been played, you’re hooked on this perfect, magical love. Until it’s not there any more. You try harder. Anything to restore that magic – ramping up your sexual game, great gifts, flattering him, keeping the place OCD spotless. Checking in, texting, always in touch. He’s full of ‘hidden shallows’, with no real identity of his own. Your friends and family may find that ‘there’s nothing to him’, surprised at what you see in him, and not enjoy his company. So what do you do? You get all defensive, take offense, and stand up for him. Yup. It’s called ‘Cognitive Dissonance’. This is when you feel attacked and threatened when someone calls out a choice of yours as dodgy. You dig your heels in all the more to prove the other person wrong, because you have so much invested in it – yourself, your time, your money and are afraid to look foolish. And then, it’s just two of you against the world. Closer than ever. Just what he wants. You on your own, no friends or family around, feeling like there’s nowhere to go when you’re ready to walk out, done with being walked on. Remember, that is not true. Ever.
His plans are all in a rosy future, with nothing much now and a string of failures in the past – for which he accepts no responsibility. He feels like a winner when he pulls a fast one and gets away with shady dealings.
Boiling a Frog
If you pop a frog into cold water and gradually heat it up, the frog won’t notice a thing! Plunge it into a bubbling pot and the frog will hop it sharpish. Leanne describes her relationship it as ‘Boiling the frog’. “I’d never had anything like it before. We were so in tune and I fell in love immediately, pure soulmates the pair of us. It took a long time before it dawned on me that the new reality of mood swings and constant criticism was the real normal. The magic of the early days was a calculated ploy to lure me in. I was well scalded by the time I began the long, long drawn out process of leaving.”
Sex, Lies and Secrets
Psychopaths often amazing lovers, providing the best and most totally addictive sex you’ll ever have. He’ll take time to ‘read’ you, please you, teach you, and bring you to dizzy heights of sexual bliss. Until he knows he has you fully reeled in.
Then it’s never as good, or as frequent, no matter how hard you try, or what you’ll do. While your confidence is wavering, he starts talking about a sexy woman at work or chatting with an ex who’s free. Petty as it sounds, this ‘triangulation’ as it’s called, is calculated to make you jealous, and feel worse about yourself. It frequently starts after the birth of a baby, when he feels put out by the new arrival, and you’re too vulnerable to walk. A psychopath insists on your full attention at all times.
Who can resist a secret? The psychopath thrives on the type of secrecy in which the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing. You’ll find yourself keeping secrets, being evasive or plain lying about all kinds of things to people you love. Most people spot lies, even if they’re too nice to call it, creating tension in those relationships. He’ll let on to you that he’s wealthy and successful, may lie about owning property or businesses, and never quite level with you about the smallest things.
“It’s all about the package,” muses Alannah, who spent 3 years in a controlling relationship with an older man, emerging depressed and emotionally bruised at 23. “My college friends were stuck living at home. No one my age had a car, their own apartment, or could take me away or out to dinner at the drop of a hat. It was great and I loved it, until he controlled every minute of my day, paranoid about me talking to anyone. To be honest, it was easier not to meet up, because I’d be so jumpy and nervous, fiercely pretending all was fine, knowing he’d be home waiting on me, asking questions.”
Springing surprises on you is a favourite way of keeping you under control. At first glance it’s so sweet and thoughtful – until you realise it’s always a bit off the mark and not really what you’d have chosen or want. You’re stuck with it. To add insult to injury, you have to be extra appreciative or you’ll seem like an ungrateful cow!
Does he always buy the best – are labels important to him? Is he attached to prestige possessions? Are you more than averagely good-looking? If so, look out, you may be the next acquisition.
Control
“Drama queen! It’s in your head. You’re imagining it, he’d say,” Caoimhe recalls, ” He’d always treat me like a child, make me feel bad about myself, trivialise any sickness of mine while seeming to care so much for me. In no time at all, there I was ironing his shirts and scrubbing the place – all to his high standards, always looking for his approval. And somehow never getting it quite right. My health suffered as I got worse periods, tummy upsets, skin breakouts, constant time off work. He told me it was all in my head. I didn’t realise the stress I was under, that things weren’t right or normal. I just believed that I had to try harder to keep him happy in every way I could think of. I used to love my make up and heels. He liked me to look natural, and was too short for me in heels. He’d scrutinise me to check nothing was out of place or that I looked slutty. I kind of faded into myself, lost the sparkle.”
When does kindness slide into control? Surely it’s nice to be minded, protected, and picked up from work on a dark cold evening? Aoife recalls her partner dropping her and collecting her because she didn’t drive. He always coincidentally had a meeting when she met her friends after work: “So I’d be dashing off after just an hour or two, grateful for that lift home.
I was financially broke by the time I finally got away from him. Not a cent in savings, though I’d cut back on everything to economise. We shared expenses and he was generous at first. Yet, somehow, I paid for everything with my card, and our joint account would be emptied any time he splurged on the latest must-have he wanted.
The kitchen was his kingdom. I stopped cooking after a while because I wasn’t as good as him and he was very sarcastic about my efforts.
We only ever socialised with his few friends. I hardly ever saw my own friends or made any new ones while I was with him. People rarely visited. I knew they didn’t trust him and deep down I felt something was off – but then he’d make it all right and I’d carry on the rollercoaster ride. My feet didn’t touch the ground for the first year or two really, no space to reflect or think – always on to the next holiday or weekend away or big plan he chose. We were going to be millionaires with a thriving business, a big house built, kids… I’d always dreamed of the fairytale and now it was up to me to make it work. Truthfully? I was dead scared of being alone. Stupid, I know.
I was in a sort of bubble, I wouldn’t hear anyone’s doubts. Nobody could have opened my eyes for me back then. I didn’t want to believe anything bad could happen. I was his princess, he adored me, I made his life complete and I liked being taken care of.
I found myself with a kind of brain fog, repeating things, and always telling people how happy I was, how very, very happy. Trying to brainwash myself, I suppose.”
The Mask Cracks
On the surface it all seems great, precious perfection, almost too good to be true. Something you could only hope for once in a lifetime. Psychopaths rush a courtship for fear of tripping up or having too many cracks appear in the mask. A sudden proposal, a wedding planned for you. Why? It’s seriously hard to keep up a caring, charming façade and over time they can’t help revealing their true cold and calculating natures. Tell-tale signs of stress include physical symptoms like skin rashes breaking out, hyperactivity, insomnia or starting smoking again. Shouting at you disguised as worry about you, or his work stress. Play that gets rougher than usual, the odd accident on purpose. Maybe more extreme sex demands.
Anyone who begins to sit up and take notice of unhealthy behaviour is dissed or ostracised. And it’s easier to agree with him. Your brain really does change. Women in coercive relationships often develop PTSD, anxiety and depression.
Chasing Dreams
Initially, it may be around doing deals, but there is always a hidden agenda for a quick buck or new business idea. Partners are often willing assistants, believing all they’re told, being supportive and putting their own reputation on the line. Chasing the dream, getting in deeper. A psychopath often has a store of intimate images or videos he may threaten to post them online if the target threatens leaving.
Promises and Pleading
Then, there’s the sheer mortification of it all. When the fog clears and you realise it’s the trainwreck everyone feared. Humiliating and embarrassing to have fallen for it, still loving them, making excuses, hoping they’ll change for the better now there’s kids to consider. Be prepared for bucketloads of emotional blackmail. He’ll change. You’re the only one who can make him happy. He had a tough childhood. He wants kids too. Who can bear to see a man reduced to tears? The sheer vulnerability, the sharing of raw emotion would melt a heart of stone. And yours is a loving heart. Remember this fellow can act as easily and convincingly as he breathes. He enjoys it and gives Oscar-worthy performances. Stay strong. Love shouldn’t hurt or cost you so much.
Will life ever be as exciting and perfect again, as it was in the beginning? Breaking up is tough, breaking away is harder. So yeah, there’s real grief at losing love you thought you had. It takes time to heal, feel whole again. But you’ll feel normal, in control, a physical weight off as the fear leaves you and you start living again. Reconnecting, finding you and loving life.
Nobody but you knows what it’s really like. But they see when it’s bad, and there’s a lot of help and support there for you when you need it. You’re stronger than you think, and you deserve your life back.
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